(Kingdom of Loathing is a hilarious browser RPG that launched in '03 and is STILL RUNNING. I got most of the descriptions from the game. I highly recommend it, it's great.)
The Kingdom of Loathing is a bizarre place, but a pure playground for adventurers. Adventurers like you! Unfortunately, those Smut Orcs decided to invest more in magic and opened a portal to a place filled with Midara. Pretty much Succubi, but for oddly specific sexual fantasies. Whether midara are making their way into Loathing or you get sucked into the portal to their world, you find yourself encountering these entities that would give the Suckubi an alcoholism-inducing bout of inferiority complex.
Wait, who are you again?
[Name] the [Class]
What's your name? Kahn? Slim Shady? Liara T'Soni? Whatever, you tell me.
What's your class? Let me give you the options and then you tell me.
Classes
Seal Clubber: Seal Clubbers hail from the frigid Northlands, because one character class always hails from the frigid Northlands. They rely on their Muscle to survive and tend to attack using blunt, clubbing weapons.
Abilities:
(Passive) Audacity of the Otter: You become infused with the fighting spirit of the Otter, making your critical hits more critical than usual. Critical hits do 3x damage instead of the normal 2x.
(Passive) Wrath of the Wolverine: Have you ever seen a wolverine go after a herd of shrews? It's crazy. It just doesn't stop. It's like every shrew it takes down multiplies its desire to take down shrews. Anyway, you're like that, and also every enemy looks like a shrew to you. (When fighting multiple enemies, every enemy (max of 3) that is defeated gives your attacks an additional damage point.)
Clobber: Adventurer Smash! (1 Damage)
Thrust Smack: Like a smack, but you thrust, too. (2 Damage)
Club Foot: Through some cruel accident of evolution, 99% of the nerve endings of every sentient creature in the universe are concentrated in their feet. You've learned to take advantage of this fact by reversing the natural order and bringing the stubber to the toe. (3 Damage+Decreases target's defense for 1 attack. Will stun if critical)
Turtle Tamer: The Turtle Tamer's mystical connection with their terrapin comrades imbues them with great power. They excel at moving very slowly and winning footraces with smug satisfaction. Their Muscle is the key to their success, and to their long lifespan. They use their turtle familiars and blunt weapons to attack. Probably shields and stuff, too.
(Passive) Skin of the Leatherback: This skill makes it so your back is thick, like leather. Like a leather back. Like a leatherback. You'll take less damage from enemy attacks. (Reduces damage from physical attacks by 1)
(Passive) Headbutt: This allows you to follow up a successful attack with a turtle shell enhanced headbutt. (All successful non-critical attacks add 1 damage.)
Toss: This skill allows you to toss your familiar, if you have one, or something else, if you don't. Just make sure that something else isn't a dwarf -- nobody does that, y'know? (1 Damage)
Kneebutt: If you can almost hear your opponent thinking "I need you to knee me," this is the perfect skill for you. Nothing takes an opponent down a notch (MAB!) more than a well-placed knee to the naughty bits. (2 Damage)
Spectral Snapper: This skill allows you to summon the spirit of a deceased snapping turtle. (3 Damage)
Pastamancer:With their mastery of the arcane secrets of Noodlecraft, the Pastamancer is a force to be reckoned with. They rely on their Mysticality to get ahead in the world and attack using their staffs, wands, and/or cooking utensils.
(Passive) Wizard Squint: After "gray hair" and "a beard," the most common answer on The $20,000 Pyramid when the category is "Things a Wizard Has" is "squinty eyes." The fourth one, strangely, is "one of my lungs." (Reduces damage taken from non-physical attacks by 1. Increases damage taken from physical attacks by 1.)
Spaghetti Spear: This spell conjures a fast-moving dart of spaghetti and slings it at your enemy, dealing a small amount of damage. Uncooked spaghetti, that is. Cooked spaghetti wouldn't do much damage, now, would it? (1 Damage)
Ravioli Shurikens: This spell allows you to summon a handful of deadly ravioli shurikens, stuffed with various flavors of pain. (4 Rolls, 1 damage per successful roll.)
Bind Vampieroghi: This skill allows you to bind the spirit of a vampire into a pieroghi and bend it to your will, as long as your will is more or less "bite stuff for me," since that's basically all vampieroghis are good at. (Deal 1-3 damage to opponent and heal for the same amount.)
Cannelloni Cannon: This spell allows you to summon and then fire a cannon made of cannelloni and stuffed with all manner of deadly substances. (3-5 Damage)
Sauceror: Long engaged in an uneasy truce with the Pastamancers, the guild of Saucerors protects the secrets of the Ancient Brotherhood of Gravymakers. Their Mysticality is their most important attribute.
Salsaball: This spell allows you to conjure up a ball of spicy salsa and sling it at your enemy, doing a small amount of damage. (1-2 Damage)
Simmer: A watched pot never boils, but it takes surprisingly little effort for you to boil over into a murderous rage. Quite a bit of time, mind you, but not much effort. (On successfull roll, your next attack does double damage)
Saucy Salve: This skill allows you to conjure up a healing salve made of healing sauce, and heal some of your wounds. Healingly. (Recover 1-2 Stamina)
Wave of Sauce: This spell will conjure an immense wave of boiling sauce, which will wash over your enemies and cleanse them from the face of the Cosmos. And also ruin their clothes. (Deals 2-4 Damage to all enemies)
Curse of Weaksauce: This ancient curse coats your opponents in a layer of sauce formulated to drain their strength. This is similar to but distinct from the ancient Canadian curse that coats opponents in sap formulated to sap their strength. (2 Damage and reduce target's attack by 1 for 3 turns.)
Disco Bandit: The Disco Bandit boogies to and fro, hither and yon. Whence comes (s)he? No man knows. Whither strikes (s)he next? All men live in fear of them and their Moxie.
(Passive) Pickpocket: Every now and again, you can reveal something you've deftly stolen from your opponent. (Purely for creativity. Usable 3 times per opponent, per encounter.)
Sucker Punch: Have you ever been punched in the stomach when you were least expecting it? If so, aren't you itching for revenge? This skill will let you get it. (1 Damage)
Disco Eye-Poke: In the course of your disco dancing, you can poke your opponent in the eye (or eye analogue,) doing a small amount of damage and throwing your opponent off guard. (1 Damage and reduces target's attack by 1 for 1 turn. Usable once every 2 turns.)
Disco Dance I/II/III: Disco is back, baby! Hey, baby, I'm just kidding -- disco never left! (Deals 2/3/4 Damage and reduces target's defense by 1/2/3 for 3 turns. Amount depends on how many times you've used it. Usable once every 4 turns)
Disco Inferno: Your disco dancing is so hot that it produces literal fire when you want it to. (Deals 3 Damage to all enemies. Usable once every 3 turns.
Accordion Thief: The scourge of mariachis and polka bands, the Accordion Thieves have plied their malign craft since time out of mind. Their Moxie serves them well in both their adventures and their interactions with "the ladies."
Sing: You know that thing from old commercials where somebody sings and breaks a champagne glass? This skill lets you do that, except with skulls. (Deals 2-3 Damage)
Dissonant Riffs: You might think that accordions can only make beautiful sounds, but you're wrong -- they can make annoying sounds, too. (Deals 1 Damage and decreases target's attack by 1 for next successful attack.)
Cletus's Canticle of Celerity: Upon hearing this song, you (or somebody else) will begin to move very quickly, and with improved combat reaction times. (The target of this song will act twice before an opponent's turn. Can only be used on self once every 3 turns.)
The Power Ballad of Arrowsmith: This song will fill you (or somebody else) with passionate intensity, and great Strengthliness. (The target's next successful attack will do 2x damage.)
Jackasses' Symphony of Destruction: This horrible song will make whoever hears it very angry. And anger, in this case, will correspond with increased melee, ranged and spell damage. (The target of this song will be forced to use a direct attack skill, but with half accuracy. If that attack does land, it does 2x damage.)
Cone of Zydeco: You've learned how to use an accordion to focus Zydeco into a powerful cone of force -- a Zydecone, if you will. It's especially effective against groups of enemies, because nobody hates Zydeco as much as crowds do. (Deals 5 Damage to all enemies. Usable once every 3 turns.)
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