Help with my Disgaea fanfic?

So, I wrote this fanfic for RB9's group and posted it a while ago, and I'm looking for suggestions and ideas for the next chapter. I have a general idea of what I want to do, but I am looking for any and all ideas anyone might be kind enough to give me. If things work out, and I actually write the next chapter, I'll happily post it here. And anyone who contributes an idea that I like and want to use, you will be credited =D

Anyway, here's my little fic. Lemme know what you think ^_^

[b][u]A Trip To Beauty Castle: Part 1[b][u]

“HAHAHAHAHAH! FEAR MY WRATH!!!!” Etna shouted as her spear cut down yet another enemy. The young demoness cackled evilly as she stood over her defeated foe, her haughty laughs echoing throughout the area around her. “Psh, weaklings. Mere mortals before the great beauty queen Etna!”

“Yaaay! Yaaay! Go go Etna Etna!” Flonne cheered from behind Etna, waving around two big and fluffy pompoms. The two girls had set out on an errand for Laharl, seeking a rare and delicious delicacy: pudding. Oh how Laharl did rant and rave about his craving for pudding. And being the good vassals they were, Etna and Flonne ventured out looking for some flan for their dear little overlord. “Etna, where is the pudding anyway? They didn’t have any at the store in town, and I dunno where else to go.”

“Simple, my dimwitted little girl,” Etna said as she packed her weapon away and continued along their way, stepping over several corpses as they progressed. “There is one place to find pudding in the underworld, and that is in…. her castle….” As they stepped up to the top of a hill, Etna pointed toward a castle not far in the distance. It was quite tall, and colored an oddly bright pink. “Marjoly’s home: beauty castle.”

“B-but… she won’t give us any pudding…. I hear she’s eeeevil!” Flonne said worriedly, her pompoms shaking as her frail little body quaked with fear.

“And that’s why we won’t ASK, we TAKE. Now c’mon. I want some pudding just as much as Laharl does,” Etna said as she took Flonne by the wrist and pulled her off, dragging the girl along to the location of their certain doom.

“This isn’t a good idea….” Flonne said nervously as the two of them snuck through the front door and quickly moved down a hallway.

“Of course it’s a good idea! Now where is the kitchen? Hmm…. Maybe through this door,” as the two slid in through the tall wooden door and shut it behind them, they found themselves in a completely pitch-black room. “Grr, it’s dark in here.”

“OHOHOHOHOHOHO!” A conceited cackle pierced the dark air. “I thought I heard intruders slipping in,” called a quite devious-sounding voice. All of a sudden, lights upon the ceiling went on, flooding the room with illumination, revealing the one who was speaking; Marjoly. The tall witch continued to laugh in an ever so arrogant manner as she sat upon her throne, one long leg crossed over the other as she gazed down at the two girls. “And such cute ones too…”

“Listen, we’re just here to take some pudding and go. Now stay out of the way or I’ll beat your face in!” Etna snapped as she turned back toward the door, trying to open it but failing miserably. It wouldn’t budge. “What the hell?”

“I think you’ll find escape rather difficult, my dears. You’ve stumbled into MY realm,” the beautiful woman murmured, reaching a lithe hand forward and snapping her fingers. Two doors behind her opened, and many young female demons walked in, all of different classes; magicians, valkyries, cheerleaders, archers, all in similar outfits to what they would normally wear, but slightly different; all more feminine, more pink, more cute and sexy and flattering to their various forms, and many wearing outfits catering to various fetishes; nurses, librarians, dominatrixes, all very seductive and pleasant to the eye. Among them were several succubae, alraunes, and nekomatas, all incredibly attractive and wearing the same sort of pleasing attire. Etna and Flonne looked upon the women flooding in and surrounding the witch, their eyes wide. Why were they suddenly feeling an odd sort of…. attraction towards these girls? “And I’m not letting you go that easily.”

“But what do you want with us?” Flonne said curiously as she tilted her cute blonde head to one side, questioning their captor innocently. “I heard you only liked boys.”

“Hey yeah, that’s what I heard too. What gives? Did you lez out all of a sudden?” Etna said with a snarky little smirk, to which Marjoly only smiled.

“Well, to put it crudely, yes, I did ‘lez out’. But to put it more nicely, I’ve…. changed tastes. I’ve learned to appreciate the elegance of the female form, and I’ve turned towards studying and perfecting the arts of seduction. And you two look like you’d be perfect additions to my little harem here,” all the girls around Marjoly giggled and smiled at the two, all thinking of the different things they might do to these cute newcomers.

“Sorry, but I don’t think so,” Etna said with a chuckle as she pulled out a spear and took a fighting stance in front of Flonne, who didn’t move out of a slight fear of the situation, unsure of what to do. “I’m gonna beat you so hard your whole face will turn inside out.”

“Oh I don’t think so,” once again, the lovely sorceress snapped her fingers, and the entire floor glowed with a light pink color. Suddenly, Etna’s spear disappeared in a puff of smoke, causing the girl great distress.

“Geo panels?” Etna growled, shooting Marjoly an irate glare.

“Yes indeed, sweety. My own special creations. You see, when standing upon those panels, you are only permitted to use seductive and charming attacks, no brute force allowed. This is all part of my research on the arts of seduction, and you two ladies are going to join my little experiment whether you like it or not. Now, I’m going to give you the choice to join willingly, or….” The woman stood from her throne and made a rather grandiose hand motion, causing her subjects to move forward and circle around their mistress. “I can always just change your will myself…”

“Tch,” Etna grumbled as she backed away a step, her face turning bright red. This was a predicament indeed. She was very much out of her element, as she wasn’t always the sexiest girl around. Then again, she did acquire the rank of “beauty queen” but… that was taken by force, and right now, force was the one thing she didn’t have at her disposal. However she did have ONE attack to use, and if it didn’t work, she and Flonne would be in an awful lot of trouble. “Well you’re gonna have to take me by force then, because I, beauty queen Etna, will NOT become some over-made-up witch’s test subject!”

“Alright, have it your way. Emilia, come hither,” Marjoly beckoned, her voice becoming rather sultry as she mentioned her minion’s name. With the command, a gorgeous succubus fluttered over, her beautiful body adorned with a long dress with a slit up the side to reveal her slender legs, and glamorous satin gloves that ran up her arm and stopped just before her shoulder. “Magichange.” With that command, the succubus began to glow brilliantly, and in a flash of bright light the succubus transformed into what appeared to be a small tube of lipstick in the shape of the voluptuous succubus. “Heehee, very nice, Emilia my dear.” The woman murmured as she unscrewed the top, revealing a sparkling pink lip gloss. Slowly and sensually, she slid the glossy lipstick across her lips, flashing Etna a quick smirk with her new, sparkling pink lips. “I’m coming for you, sweety. Get ready.”

“Not if I get you first! SEXY BEAM!” With that, Etna threw her arms behind her head and winked, striking a sexy pose. Cute little pink hearts sprang up all around her, shooting in different directions. She continued to strike all different sorts of seductive poses, and with the last pose she leaned forward and blew a kiss, sending a bright pink heart straight at Marjoly. The attack hit dead on, and Marjoly barely flinched, giggling a tiny bit at the feeble power of the attack.

“Is that all? Psh, that’s nothing. With a little work though, you could be quite good. Let me show you what a TRUE seductive attack looks like.” She entered into a very erotic dance, swinging her hips in an alluring manner and allowing her beauteous breasts to sway seductively. A glittering pink energy began to congregate around Marjoly, dancing around her in a bewitching fashion. Reaching a slender hand forward, she dipped her index and middle finger into the sparkles, pulling a stream of the glittering pink to her tender lips. With a giggle, she kissed her two fingers, coating her lovely lips in the glittery pink energy. Wrapping her arms around her midsection and hugging herself, she batted her eyelashes and smiled. As she did so, the sparkling magic around her began to assemble and take shape in front of her, forming into a huge pair of glittering pink lips much like the ones upon her face. "How are you feeling, hon? Getting weak in the knees? Do you want my kiss, cutie? Well, maybe I'll give it to you!" Sliding her hands up her slender frame and up to her mouth, she kissed her fingers and leaned forward, blowing a smaller pair of glittery pink lips. "Bewitching sensual smooch!" The lips fluttered out and kissed the larger lips, causing the giant pair of pink lips to shoot right towards Etna.

Etna stood frozen as she watched Marjoly’s dance, partially entranced by the delightful movements of her body, and partially unable to believe that her attack hadn’t even caused any effect upon her opponent. As the lips flew toward her, she couldn’t move, and found her entire body being gifted with a wonderfully soft kiss all across her entire form. It was incredible… every inch of her felt like it was under the sweet caress of Marjoly’s luscious lips. The pleasure was unbelievable, and caused her to fall to her knees, her face now bright red.

“Ah…. ah….” Etna moaned, trembling with pleasure as Marjoly slowly walked up toward her, her hips swaying seductively as she walked. She stopped walking and stood with a fair distance between herself and Etna, smiling with a strong sense of victory.

“So now, do you understand? Do see the power that I hold?” The woman called across the room, her hands on her hips as she spoke and strutted ever so sexily across the room and over to Etna. “How would you like to gain this power?” Etna’s eyes widened at the thought. Her mind had been put into a very receptive state from Marjoly’s kiss. It was hard to think about anything right now other than the gorgeous woman before her, wondering what she might do to her next, hoping and praying it would be more of her delightful kisses.

“I… I…” Etna stuttered, trying to find the words through the pink haze that clouded her mind. “Yes… I want it! I want it!” Her sudden hypnosis created by Marjoly’s spell merged with her natural yearning for power, making the offer all the more tempting; along with Marjoly’s attractive curves and enchantingly sparkling lips…

“Good girl,” Marjoly said with a smile as she leaned down and placed a soft kiss upon Etna’s forehead, leaving behind a bright, sparkling pink smoochprint. The lipstick left behind upon Etna’s forehead sank down through her skin and into her mind, filling her with thoughts of flirtation, seduction, and the finest pleasures of the flesh. As the power consumed her, the girl fainted, overwhelmed a bit by the power. “Heh, no girl can stay conscious during the unlocking of her true womanly powers. Too much of a shock to the system. Oh well, she’ll wake up soon, and when she does, the REAL fun will begin. Now, the question is, what to do with you…” the woman mused as she turned to Flonne. The young blonde angel was actually rather curious about this. She had always learned about love, and to spread love wherever she should go. And really, kisses did spread love, didn’t they? Maybe if she could gain the abilities this woman was talking about, she’d be able to spread more love than ever before! Maybe she’d even be able to teach Laharl the meaning of love!

“Ooh! Ooh! I wanna spread love! Teach me, teach me!” The girl said excitedly as she jumped up and down, causing the woman to giggle lightly.

“Oh, you ARE an enthusiastic one. C’mere, babycakes…” Giggling softly, she strode over to Flonne and giggled yet again, kissing her on the right cheek and leaving a rather fragrant pink imprint of her lips that gave off a nice, enchanting smell. Soon the imprint melted into the girl's skin and disappeared, the seductive power hiding in the back reaches of her mind and slowly beginning to take root. "So, what do you think of me so far, honey?" After she walked around to position herself in front of the girl, in a quick and smooth motion she leaned forward and kissed the girl gently on the lips. "Do you think I'm cute?" With another smooth motion, she pirouetted once and over to her left side and kissed her on the left cheek. "Do you think I'm sexy?" With another swift pirouette she made her way to her back and placed her hands upon the girl's jaw, tilting her head backward so she could kiss her upon the forehead. "Tell me, sugar, what do you think of me? What do you think of my body? What do you think of my tender kisses?"

With each kiss, Flonne shivered, feeling the love within each and every one of the woman’s tender kisses. Truly this was the path to follow! And before she could even respond to her new “teacher”, a heavy blush shot across her face, and she fainted in Marjoly’s arms.

“Oh, how these two will make wonderful test subjects….”

I think I reviewed this when you posted. But perhaps I can comment with some more detail?

This fic is especially sexy because it's light-hearted, cute, and in that sense very seductive... and fits in with the pink, girly air of seduction.

Some parts I loved were how there was a lot of teasing going on. Etna's spear disappearing with the geo panels is a GREAT touch. It's like *poof* and it's gone, a little hope lost. Also the anticipation you develop by bringing in girls of diff. classes but slightly more pink and made-over hints at their fate but in a sexy way, like they are parading. It was sexy when Marjory teases them and wants to "add them to her harem." Great touch! The tease is a 9 or 10/10 here.

You also build some anticipation with the question of "willingly." But they refuse, so it's time to fight. And the sexy description of the succubus hints at what the lipstick does. I REALLY like your inclusion of the shimmering pink lip gloss and descriptions on how shiny it is. When Etna uses Sexy Beam, it's almost like she's playing into Marjory's trap and her game.


“Is that all? Psh, that’s nothing. With a little work though, you could be quite good. Let me show you what a TRUE seductive attack looks like.” She entered into a very erotic dance, swinging her hips in an alluring manner and allowing her beauteous breasts to sway seductively. A glittering pink energy began to congregate around Marjoly, dancing around her in a bewitching fashion. Reaching a slender hand forward, she dipped her index and middle finger into the sparkles, pulling a stream of the glittering pink to her tender lips. With a giggle, she kissed her two fingers, coating her lovely lips in the glittery pink energy. Wrapping her arms around her midsection and hugging herself, she batted her eyelashes and smiled. As she did so, the sparkling magic around her began to assemble and take shape in front of her, forming into a huge pair of glittering pink lips much like the ones upon her face. "How are you feeling, hon? Getting weak in the knees? Do you want my kiss, cutie? Well, maybe I'll give it to you!" Sliding her hands up her slender frame and up to her mouth, she kissed her fingers and leaned forward, blowing a smaller pair of glittery pink lips. "Bewitching sensual smooch!" The lips fluttered out and kissed the larger lips, causing the giant pair of pink lips to shoot right towards Etna."

HOT. Oh my god. You have SOOOO much detail here. I love how you describe every little motion, and how the dance is erotic. It's so cute, so sensual, so sexy. And each move is deliberate, delicate, and seductive. You include her lips, and her tease at the end when "do you want my kiss" etc. seals the deal. 10/10 paragraph here.

", and found her entire body being gifted with a wonderfully soft kiss all across her entire form. It was incredible… every inch of her felt like it was under the sweet caress of Marjoly’s luscious lips. The pleasure was unbelievable, and caused her to fall to her knees, her face now bright red."

Like an explosion of pleasure. She's completely overwhelmed. I love it.


“Good girl,” Marjoly said with a smile as she leaned down and placed a soft kiss upon Etna’s forehead, leaving behind a bright, sparkling pink smoochprint. The lipstick left behind upon Etna’s forehead sank down through her skin and into her mind, filling her with thoughts of flirtation, seduction, and the finest pleasures of the flesh. As the power consumed her, the girl fainted, overwhelmed a bit by the power.

I liked this too. The kiss on forehead is a great touch. I would have liked to see a little more fight by Etna before giving in though. There was more potential here but it was just cut off. Should have more struggle and develop more.

You really take off with Flonne though. Her personality works well... she is naive and curious. And then Marjory's words really make the next paragraph the hottest one here. Your qualifiers are amazing... softly, fragrant pink imprint, enchanting smell, and then she keeps teasing her and kissing her more, like 4-5 times. This is perfect. Flonne has no chance to resist. This is so hot. she wants to give in and she is completely and utterly devoured. HOT!!

Oh wow, RB9! Complementing my work? Well gee wiz there, I feel special XD

But seriously, that means a lot, coming from the creator of the RB9 yahoo group. It really does make me happy to see your complements, and I’m so glad it brings someone joy. Anyway, what I’m really looking for here isn’t so much of opinions on my current work, what I’m looking for is ideas/suggestions/requests for the next chapter. I really wanna get into the VIP2 section, and I plan to do a second chapter for this to get my way in. Do you-or anyone else for that matter-have any ideas? My current plan is to have Flonne and Etna compete as one of Marjoly’s students of the seductive arts in a duel with another female overlord’s student of the seductive arts. Anyone have any thoughts/ideas on this?

As long as it continues those things I complemented, it's fair game. Surprise me with some crazy, creative shit

More girls. More costumes. More sparkling lip gloss and kisses and teasing. That's all I ask for. Maybe conversion.

Maybe they can seduce Laharl. I dunno.

Okay, I can dig that. And the bit about Laharl.... yeah.... I'm not thinking about making that a major thing in this. I'm trying to keep this fic FxF, because that's what I really prefer. See, my big thing I look for in the forum here and in the group you created is the use of kissing (and especially kiss-blowing) as a weapon, and that's what I'm focusing on in this story. And frankly, I like seeing this sort of thing FxF. I frankly don't like looking at other guys in this sort of thing, as it.... eh... I dunno.... throws me off a little bit. Not so much that I don't enjoy what I'm really focused on, it's just like.... not having enough tomato sauce on my spaghetti, you know? Or, well, for me, it's not having enough hot sauce on my tomato sauce on my spaghetti, but I'm sure you get the metaphor here. Feel free to substitute any variety of condiment and food combination that best fits your tastes ^_^

Anyway, I can definitely say that there will be more girls, more costumes, more sparkling and/or colored lips, PLENTY of kisses, and most likely teasing (that's just something that kinda comes along naturally in this sort of thing for me, I don't necessarily try to infuse it). Conversion though....... oooooooooh, that is a very good idea! I think I might actually do that! Thanks so much!

As for Laharl..... well... hmmmm..... my original plan was to throw a little something in about him and them in the end..... but I dunno. Maybe I'll make that a third chapter. Like I said, I much prefer FxF in these sorts of things, but who knows? Maybe if I do make a third chapter, it'll be all about Etna and Flonne putting him through some sort of conversion, changing him into a girl or something, making him learn to appreciate female beauty (for those who haven't played Disgaea, Laharl is a young boy who HATES big-breasted women xD). How I'm going to do that.... not totally sure yet, but it's an entirely doable thing, and I already have a couple ideas floating around through my head. But before I get there, I wanna get the second chapter done.

Now, does anyone (especially you, my dear friend RB9) have any requests/suggestions for stuff? Any particular costumes or anything? Types of characters? I'm trying to figure out the opponent that Etna/Flonne are going to face, and I'm not entirely sure how I want to create her. I have an idea, but I want any and all suggestions/requests I can get =D

To be honest I prefer F/F as well so don't worry about it too much. I just threw it out there.

Well you know what I'm a fan of. I think the black mages/aka witch girls in that game were always really hot.

I think there should always be a sense of danger or evil though. Once you have the epilogue-type part of the story where the heroines are already converted and they just do stuff with other hypnotized girls it's not as fun. I think the hottest part is the struggle and the turn--like my favorite scene before was when Marjoly seduces them. Perhaps they can come to their senses and try to escape and meet some girl, then beat her, then meet some other girl?

One of my favorite fics is actually discontinued, unfortunately. It was a collab called 'Tifatan' loosely based off an H-game. Basically, there was a girl named Siren Red who seduced a bunch of heroines and wanted to enslave them all. Then Tifa gets teleported to her palace and she has to fight her way through the seduced heroines without getting taken herself. What was so nice about it is that there's always that air of suspense. Once the heroines finally get converted it's like ahhhhh ok it's over. But if you have them ALMOST get converted, then escape, there's that anticipation that builds up.

So that's my final idea, actually. Have them randomly come to their senses and have a journey to escape from the castle, and they have closer and closer calls. Maybe they get hypnotized again by some succubus, maid, or witch. Or maybe some plant action. But they could occasionally break free, one of them escapes, the other doesn't and detours to save them. And lots of potential for almosts. Or they have a slow curse that slowly calls them to Marjoly's chamber, and she secretly knows the whole time.

OH I have another idea. I'm sure they weren't alone, right? In Disgaea you can have like 10 people on your team on the field. So what if they had a bunch of girls with them? Like witches, healers, warriors, etc.? And then as they try to escape, they find that the other girls on their side are getting converted and are trying to seduce them? That would add seduction, danger, and more girls too

As for TYPES of characters, I think really cute and flirty is where you're going with this. I might refer you to "Kitten Girl" from www.mcstories.com in the "Comic Book" category of fics. I think the tone of that work is somewhat similar to yours. Seductive, but cute at the same time. Lots of severe hotness potential. Hot sawce on your spaghetti, if you will.

That said, I recommend characters that are flirty and not so much abusive. Not so much an emphasis on "the world is gonna end, you're my slaves" as "let's have fun, my new toys." Kind of like a girl who is toying with some pets.

did you work on this more...? really eager to see it...

Gah! So sorry, I haven't gotten around to it yet. I'm still kinda meditating on things and how to get to it. Btw, read some of that "Kitten Girl" story. Very interesting! The humiliation stuff kinda throws it off for me, but the seduction is fantastic! By the way, that Tifatan story sounds pretty interesting. Do you have a link to it or something?

Regarding the story, I've been REALLY wanting to get into VIP2 lately (really wanna see that video >_>), so I think in the near future I'm gonna try to crank out that next chapter, or at least a piece of it. I want to finally make some progress. Usually, if I can get my wheels turning a little bit, they'll keep moving even after the initial push and everything should end up alright =D

You should totally write it!
Tifatan is at the video game babes forum, www.vgb-forums.com, under stories... lots of random stuff in there, I've written a chapter too.

Thanks a ton! Maybe I'll try to buckle down and get my gears cranking a little bit today. If I get something done, I'll post it tonight. Can't guarantee I'll get to the good stuff, but if anything I can set the stage and give you something more to look forward to

That would be awesome if you get rolling. *waves VIP2 carrot*

I am not interested in carrot. I PREFER PARSNIP >8U

Foo. Where is it!

VIP 2 parsnip

Mmmmmm, very important parsnip...... :p

It's comin', it's comin'! And oddly enough, I think someone else wants me to work on this tonight. I just had a fortune cookie, and the fortune said "Check an item off of your to-do list. prove you can follow through." If I don't at least START this thing tonight..... god's not gonna be happy with me XD

Little do you know that I was the author of that cookie.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

So, update. I GOT A PARAGRAPH WRITTEN. It's nothing much, but it's a step in the right direction. I'm gonna put it up here for now as a little teaser, and hopefully in the near future I'll actually have some REAL content :3

A Trip To Beauty Castle: Part 2

Three months had passed since the two girls had come under the tutelage of the great sorceress Marjoly, but neither of them had complained in the least. Every day was spent deluged in pleasures of the flesh, teachings on how to please the flesh, and many lessons on how to lace magic in with these pleasures of the flesh to please the enemy into submission. To the women within Marjoly’s palace, seduction had not only become a hobby and a weapon, it had become a way of life. Marjoly had her various disciples keep seduction on their minds every hour of the day. Even basic greetings held a powerful element of flirtation, and no single lass who had been taken as a student of Marjoly could go a single day without a series of tender caresses that would tempt and woo, keeping every one of them in a constant state of arousal.

Just post the whole thing when you're done and don't half-ass it. That's good. Just... yeah.

That's exactly what I was planning. Anyway, gimme a few days and I'll see if I can deliver

waaah

Sorry! Been really busy! I'll get to it soon, definitely!

@_@

...Dude.. T_T

Dude what? D:

Nothing, just me, being impatient.

Ooooh, sorry. Yeah, I'll get working on it. Lately I've been working on a different fic for RB9, and I JUST finished it. WANNA SEE? 8D